fate.

You can control almost every single aspect of your race.
you control your training.
your determination.
your motivation.
your start.
your middle and your finish.
but the important thing to realize is you can only control what you do. its pointless worrying about everyone else. and thats something ive learned to deal with over the last few weeks. i can only do what I can do. i can only do my best.

then comes a new fact into the game. wind conditions. and you just have to try your best.

I did the best i could. and it was good. But conditions failed me hard.

one race.

There comes a time in every persons life. The time to sink or swim.
The moment when its time to live up to your truest potential and put on display the last 16 years of your life. There comes a time, when you do because you MUST. not because you can. Desire has nothing to do with this moment.
Its desperation.
Discovery.
Belief.
Challenge.
Courage.
War.

A time when you have to find the perfect balance between beauty and strength. Control and courage. The moment, so perfectly choreographed, that if you didn't know any better, you'd struggle to believe it.

A moment so pure, so real. A moment that defines you.
Life comes down to a few moments.
This is one of them.

It is easier to believe than to doubt.

Along with a strong belief in your own inner voice, you also need laser-like focus combined with unwavering determination.

But at first, any belief worth having must survive doubt.

This is how humans are, we question all our beliefs, except for the ones we really believe, and those we never think to question.

I believe because it is impossible.

I believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.

The Six W's:

Work will win when wishing won't.

It isnt hard to be good from time to time in sports. What is tough, is being good at it every day. A feat I was stupidly trying to achieve. But at the end of the day it all boils down to one hour and fifty minutes of my life. My heat and final in 33 days time. Who cares if you have an off day? who cares if you lose one meaningless race in the lead up. How many races have you seen the favorite falter and lose. Pressure is doubled even tripled when people are expecting things from you. But at the end of the day, the only race that counts is the one that your running.

A fatal flaw in Athletics is we are so busy looking at the short term goal. we never think about the long term. Nobody cares if you win your interclub. your state title. the grand prix. unless you can back it up at nationals, having your name at the top of the national rankings in meaningless. The last 2 years of my life have been a lead up to that very moment. 365 days of training, 365 days of lead up, excitement, dedication and motivation, a life time of training for one hour and fifty minutes of my life. with two intense 13 second periods in between.

When you stand there on that line. What you have done means nothing.
The only race that counts is that one.
and if you havent worked the hardest.
you'll lose.
even if you've beaten them before, if you havent done the work.
You'll lose.

So shut up, smarten up and hit the track.

Work will win when wishing won't.

for the most part of a week.

For the most part of a week, i contemplated my fate.

ive never looked my dreams and goals straight in the face before. it was an intimidating and emotional experience. These dreams i hold so tight in my heart are actually what keeps it beating. who knew? I toyed with the idea of being mediocre. at the ease of it.

My body and soul would be so much better off.

but my heart and sprit would cease to exist.

Facebook was my muse as i sat bed ridden and home alone to dwell on my reality. i was in a dangerous and toxic space full of hate, anger and helplessness. I could do no more then feel sorry for myself and lost all sense of hope and freedom. i felt like a prisoner in my own consciousness. Where sleep was my wonderland. My freedom. and i escaped to it as often as i could. i sat counting the days and even the training sessions i had missed, and the ones i had left to come. i sat there thinking about the athletes who have put the target on my back and were training hard to catch me. and all i could do was feel more angry, more helpless.

I always said that athletics is life or death.

i didnt realise how much i took that to heart.

For the better part of a week, i contemplated quitting.

a word normally not even known to be in my thoughts, not even in passing. but this word lingered and grew in the corner of my mind until it was the only thing i could think about or wanted.

Then, I was then given a choice.

Catch or be caught.

Freedom or fail.

All or nothing

and it wasnt til everyone told me i shouldnt, wouldnt or couldnt come back from this that i realised that i must. not only that i must come back from this but i owed it to myself and to the last 16 odd years of my life. By quitting now, i would have given those who doubt me the victory. after all, this is war. i know the potential consequence of my actions, i know the risk. Like a solider knows the risk of going to war, but he would much rather die heroically in battle then give them easy victory.

All or Nothing.

it happens.

Maybe its not my weekend.
BUT ITS GONNA BE MY YEAR.

I told you.

Its been a rough road for me over the past few weeks. Training has been tough, had a couple of disappointing meets. But i tried to keep the faith.

The funny thing with hurdles is that one day your race could be a mess. And the next, things fall into place and it works.

Last weekend was possibly the best weekend ive had in awhile. If you havent already gathered, i cop ALOT of shit from all these "wannabe" athletes. A couple of months ago i posted something in this very blog, it read:

People may doubt what you say

but they will believe what you do.

They have to. So let them doubt you.

Discourage you. Disrespect you.

Let them tell you that you cant do it.

Prove them wrong.

Last week, i proved them wrong.
My motivation has now doubled.

Dont ever doubt me ever again.

watch me sore.