open the gates.

one week until it all starts again

im getting a little bit sick of reflecting.
a little bit sick of being patient.
reserved.
blocking out every bit of the fire in my stomach.

its been 18 months since i really let loose.
18 months of sedation
sitting on the side lines instead of on the front line.

theres is something burning deep within me
something that needs to be let out.
Agitation and anger consumes it,
ignored and hungry.
its roaring.
its thrashing.

it's ready.

what is strong?

is it a muscle, or something more?
is it measured in miles? or milliseconds?
is it your best time?
or your worst day?

maybe strong is just what you have left when you've used up all you weak.

my body is my weapon

this is how i fight
defend
deter
attack.

this is my weapon

how i defeat my enemies
how i win my war
how i make victory mine.

this is my weapon

this is how i fight.

There is something telling me to do this every single day

Somebody has to be the best
So why not me?

how winning is done.

Let me tell you something you already know. 
The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. 
It's a very mean and nasty place 
&& I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. 
It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. 
How much you can take and keep moving forward. 
That's how winning is done! 


Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! 
Cowards do that and that ain't you!


You're better than that! 

the silver lining.

Unless someone can look into the core of your heart, and see the degree of your passion, or look into the depths of your soul and see the extent of your will, then they have no business telling you what you can or cannot achieve. Because while they may know the odds, they do not know you

~ SANDRA KRING

Their is no doubting how hard the last 9 months have been.
The lowest of lows and amazing highs.
And the hardest thing for me hasn't been the agonising pain, or the days i was stuck in bed unable to move, or the times i left training in tears because i couldn't finish a session. The hardest thing for me was ironically also the most important thing for me.

acceptance.

I couldn't accept that my olympic campaign was over before it even started. I couldn't accept that my chances of hurdling again were slim. I couldn't accept that my hard work was all for nothing.

In 2010, I took 0.63 seconds of my time. I went from 14.16 to 13.43 in the space of 12 months. I got a Commonwealth Games B-qualifier and being new to the elite side of the sport I had no idea that wouldn't warrant my selection to Delhi. I worked so hard and fought for so long for no reward. Why is all this important? Because i couldn't accept that i had done all that hard work for nothing.
To add insult to injury, 13.8 made the commonwealth games final. My time was 13.43. The Bronze medalist ran 13.25 - the same time AA demanded i run to be selected in the team.

2 years later, i still had not accepted that. That crushed me into a million pieces. It was my first year focusing on the 100m hurdles and it demoralised me. Since then, I've been drifting. Setting goals for myself because thats what i am supposed to do but they were really just hollow words. I didn't realise how hollow they were until recently.
I don't know what it was that made me think this, but all i know is that if i didn't accept the fact that i was injured, and all the shit things that has happened, world uni's failure, falling at great north city games in 2010, missing commonwealth games, if i couldn't accept that, how could i ever move forward?

The answer was simple.
i couldn't.
which is why my personal best time is still from 2010, 13.43. I have has some impressive races with less wind and even into a head wind, but on paper, i have not PB'd since the year i thought i could do anything.
i was unburdened by failure.
i could conquer the world.

for years i spent cutting corner so i could make excuses if it all fell apart.
that year i did everything right
and still failed

and it hurt.

but now i realise, thats the risk we take.
just like this injury.
sometime in life you are denied things because you were not ready for them yet
and it forces you to grow
and to change into the person you need to be
into the person who you need to become to achieve those things

this is the best thing thats ever happened to me

i will become what i know i am.

The sweat taste of success.

i understand now.

winning is not about the result

its not about the hard work

the sacrifices

the desire.

winning is about the journey

is about patience

and strength

and courage

winning is about acceptance

about peace

and about honour

winning isn't done physically

the battle on the track is just a cherry on top

winning comes from within

and you get closer the more you overcome

the battle of the mind is where races are won and lost

miracle territory

i am responsible for myself
not for the actions of others
i am responsible for the action
not the outcome
i am responsible for the preparation
not the participation
i am responsible for the now
not the next
not the then

i am perfecting today
to make tomorrow brighter
i am breathing life in
working on me
taking responsibility

i believe we are all given a moment
your moment to sink or swim
to push or play
to fight or fail

this is my moment

i am taking back control
taking back the dream
realising my goal

there comes a point in every persons life where you need to stop being "potential" and start being a champion.

why you will never beat me

and at the end of the day, all that matters is what you believe in.
those who believe can make anything possible.
if you believe in yourself, your not just saying, hey guys, i think I'm awesome.
your saying, i dare you to even try and beat me.
your saying, i have worked my hardest
i will do my best
and my best is better then you could even fantasise about

i have travelled through the depths of fear and pain
i have accepted
i am overcoming
and the strength that i have gained along the way is far greater then anything you could imagine

to beat me now,
you must not only have more talent
not only have more speed
not only have more faith
but you must have to endure what i have endured
overcome what i have overcame..
be stronger then i am.

my willingness not to be defeated
to hold my head up strong when everyone would understand if i gave up
that is why you will never beat me.

i have crawled and fought for every step.

you merely wandered.